I wish they made helmets for livers.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
