so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize