I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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