If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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