my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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