Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
