Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize