I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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