the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
