So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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