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I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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