You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I love you. Go after that dick
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
