also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
