my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
