the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
farters have to be the big spoon...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
