I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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