Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
