Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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