I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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