wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
