When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
