The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize