I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
