Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Randomize
