If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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