i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
