1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
