how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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