so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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