im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
