1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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