Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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