I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
