I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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