nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You are the jesus of drinking
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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