Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
