We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
