i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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