Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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