there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
