True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
