I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
