Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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