I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
