thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
