I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
