oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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