Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
