life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They took my balls.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
