as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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