Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
