hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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