Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You're a waste of cheezeits
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
