My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
