I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize