I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So much rum. So many feels.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
