I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
