Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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