I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
