i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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